


Trepidation

by KittyFartingBubbles



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 19:59:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8858827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyFartingBubbles/pseuds/KittyFartingBubbles
Summary: Scars remained, but life went on. Trepidation:  A feeling of fear that causes you to hesitate because you think something bad is going to happen.A state of alarm or dread; apprehension, horror. Involuntary trembling or quivering. The word carries connotations about an upcoming threat.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-write of a fanfiction with the same name and pairing that can be found on Asianfanifcs, written by myself.

 

  
_Things were different posterior the accident. Jiwon managed to settle back into his life, returning to a reasonably expected cycle, and if he woke screaming from nightmares and Hanbin would be already woken nursing a hot cocoa, then nothing was said of it. Scars remained, but life went on. The wound never fully closed, because they barely talk, it was hardly mentioned, so it never healed, not really._

 

.

 

Donghyuk watches Hanbin, he as been doing a lot of watching lately, Hanbin has always been an open book, easy to read, he wears his emotions for everyone to see. He looks tired now, face pale, eyes half closed, a pain etched to his face.

 

"How are you holding up?" he asks.

 

Eyes snap up to meet up to meet his. "I'm fine," he says without hesitation. He takes a deep breath and tries again. "It's just, we keep fighting, no matter how much I try not to, about stupid things."

 

He falls silent for a second, and Donghyuk takes the chance to nod slowly, even he doesn't fully understand, and probably never will.

 

"I don't know if he's sleeping at all. Those dreams he gets and he gets all panicked when I try to touch him to wake him up." They sit in silence for a while, then Hanbin apologizes. "I'm sorry, this is not your problem."

 

Donghyuk feels like it is, maybe a little bit at least.

 

.

 

"He wants me to talk about it," Jiwon says, pouring the rest of the liquor down his throat, his not used to, so the burn brings tears to his eyes, but he blinks them away. "He just won't leave it the fuck alone. Keeps telling me to share my feelings. What a bunch of bullshit, if I could figure out anything that would help, we wouldn't be in this mess."

 

Donghyuk finally looks at him, Jiwon is half hunched on the armchair, eyes bloodshot and vacant, looking far ahead but not seeing anything at all. Donghyuk shifts in the chair, looking at the amber liquid in his full cup. He hadn't drunk a sip of it, alcohol is not his thing. It wasn't Jiwon's either...

 

"We don't have sex anymore. I've told him I'm fine, that if it is him, I want it. He's the most fucking understanding person and it's killing me."

 

"It's Hanbin," Donghyuk lets out in a low rumble, and Jiwon looks up at him like he's seeing Donghyuk for the first time since he plopped on the armchair one hour ago.

 

"Yeah," Jiwon says, after a second. His voice is quieter now, a hint of a smile on his lips, something Donghyuk hadn't seen in a very long time. "Yeah, it is Hanbin."

 

.

 

_They went on, holding the handrail, with such force that fingers went numb, knuckles got white with the force. Like they were walking a tightrope, it felt like that the worst could happen if he made the wrong move. They were not the same, of course not, but they were getting there. Hanbin is the sweet emotion you feel when you finally come home after a long tiring day, that feeling you get in the bottom of your stomach that swells up into your chest embracing you from all sides, and everything is warm and safe._

 

.

 

Hanbin moves toward Jiwon smoothly, unthinkingly, wraps his arms around Jiwon from behind the same way he has done a hundred, a thousand times before and Jiwon recoils, face going white with terror, he twists his body around and away from Hanbin.

 

Hanbin lets go immediately. He takes a mortified step back, palms going up in alarm. For a second, there's nothing but absolute silence, nothing to distract him from the panic in Jiwon's eyes and shaky breaths.

 

"I'm sorry," Hanbin croaks. "Jiwon, I shouldn't have-"

 

"What? No," Jiwon interjects.

 

Hanbin takes another tiny step back, face full of guilt.

 

"I was surprised, is all," he says, but Hanbin is already backing away.

 

"I'm sorry," Hanbin says again when he's at the door and Jiwon can't let him walk away after what just happened, he was only surprised, truly. So Jiwon hugs him before Hanbin can run away and leave him alone, he latches to the other, hugging him tight to his chest, pouring everything in such a small step that means everything to him.

 

.

 

_One evening, though, after the afternoon nap they took when the sun temperature is just right, heat warming your skin and your bones, the soft sheets gripped between fingers and languid stretches; something came and screw everything over again. Jiwon really wasn't all that surprised with news of the trial, Hanbin though, he was fuming but Jiwon lets him pretend, for both of them, just for a little longer. It was hard to watch Hanbin when mad, he changed entirely, he became a stormy grayish color with angry ocean streaks, deep and cold water. The crimson color of blood, dark and intense, the color of fury and rage._

 

.

  
  
"Trial?" Hanbin said blankly.

  
  
Jinhwan shook his head, looking perturbed as he sat across from Hanbin in the coffee shop. "Jiwon's trial. Now you can finally get some closure, both of you."

  
  
Cold curled around his heart, making Hanbin swallow hard as he nodded. " _That trial_. Right." He dragged his hand across his face.

  
  
"You have to tell him." Hanbin recoiled from the comment with a heavy snort, and Jinhwan leans forward. "He should testify, it would help the case."

  
  
"He won't do it," Hanbin said automatically. He didn't _want_ Jiwon to have to stand up in front of people and tell them what had been done to him. It was hard enough for him to relive those moments whenever he closed his eyes, if Hanbin could protect him from that, he wouldn't hesitate to do so. Jiwon needed piece of mind, but he also needed to keep moving forward.

  
  
"He won't do it even if that could be the reason that puts that man behind bars?" Jinhwan says softly. "You know how it is. If we let the jury turn a blind eye to this, they will. They can let him off with barely a warning."

  
  
"The answer is the same," Hanbin said, not so sure of his intentions anymore.

  
  
Jinhwan paused, watching his face. Hanbin was wavering, he could tell, but it wasn't enough. "Is it going to hurt Jiwon more to stand up and tell everyone what happened to him, or is it going to hurt more to watch that man walking away free?"

  
  
There was a bang as Hanbin slammed his hand down on the table, the coffee cup falls with the strength behind the blow, creating a mess, but Jinhwan doesn't even blink.

  
  
"I…" Hanbin sighed heavily and rubbed at his forehead. "I'm not forcing him into anything. I refuse to drag him into it against his will. But…" Hanbin seemed to have a hard time meeting his friend's eyes. "I won't take the choice out of his hands, either."

  
Jinhwan nodded. "That's all I'm asking. But you have to tell him, he _needs_ to know."

  
  
There was a long moment of silence, and Jinhwan nodded stiffly. "Fine," Hanbin said flatly as Jinhwan shook his head slightly and rose from his seat, dropping some money onto the table, before leaving the coffee.

 

.

 

_Lately, Jiwon was a disorderly laugh, the warmth of a hot beverage that slides down your throat leaving you warm and mirthful. Jiwon is a yellow that reminds you of the sunshine, so bright and shiny, how could he destroy that._

 

.

 

Hanbin walked in the door of his home and was greeted by the sight of Jiwon nonchalantly looking up from the book he was reading. He gave Hanbin a big goofy smile. Seeing him like this was only a remind of how he was going to shatter this make-believe peace that they created in their little pretend world.

 

"Can we get Chinese tonight?"

  
  
Even with that, Hanbin let it go for a little while longer, so he quirked an eyebrow at Jiwon. "Why?"

  
  
The question was answered by a careless shrug. "Just today, I would never want to miss _your_ cooking."

  
  
"Still better than yours." Hanbin bantered, grinning slightly at Jiwon's half half-hearted glare. Anxiety twisted in his gut, leaving a sour aftertaste, he didn't want to make Jiwon go through so much. A sigh escaped him subconsciously, and when he glanced over, Jiwon was looking at him warily.

  
  
"Is… something wrong?" Jiwon queried. He'd stopped reading, the book was completely forgotten in favor of looking over at Hanbin. Jiwon waited patiently as Hanbin tried to wrap his tongue around the words he had to say.

 

"Jiwon, you know that after… what that man did…" A wince was expected and a wince came. "He's going to go on trial. This is so messed up."

  
  
Jiwon nodded quietly. Hanbin could see him trying to from the words, much like he had tried to do a few seconds ago. "And?" Was the only thing he let out, a word breathed out so softly that Hanbin could barely hear it.

  
  
"Can you testify against him?"

  
  
The look on Jiwon's face could only be described as a mixture of fear and horror, and Hanbin watched as it slowly morphed down into something a little more manageable as Jiwon took a few deep breaths before responding.

  
  
"Testify?" Jiwon's voice may have started normal, but rose high in pitch as his anxiety grew.

  
  
Hanbin opened his mouth, closed it, and eventually nodded. "No one's going to force you to, but…" Hanbin had to look away, he couldn't meet his boyfriend scared eyes. "If you don't he's probably going to get off easy."

  
  
Jiwon sagged onto the couch as if his body couldn't hold his weight a moment longer, and Hanbin touched a finger to his cheek, brushing the tears that had start to fall.

  
  
"I knew this moment would come. Eventually... I think I can't do that."

  
  
Hanbin slowly nodded. "That's okay. I just needed to make sure you knew."

 

.  
  
_Hanbin was busy caressing Jiwon's hand, drawing stars on it. So pretty, Hanbin could imagine the beautiful moonlight on Jiwon's pail skin, leaving an astonishing splash of paint, vivid and flaming, so full of existence. It is a shame that not even the moonlight can't save them of dreams._

 

.  
  
Jiwon tries really hard to sleep, but he just can't, either way, he makes himself stay in bed despite the irrational fear that something or someone might appear out of the shadows. He tosses and turns for a long time, maybe even drifts off a few times.

 

But it's no use; he wakes up what must be a few minutes later, drenched in sweat, but cold to the bone. His mind won't quiet down, his body is too on edge. Jiwon gives up sometime after, goes to the living room and drops on the couch, staring out at the night-view that can be seen out of the open window. He thinks about nothing.

 

It's still dark out when Jiwon opens his eyes. He panics for a moment, then stiffens when he feels someone slumped over him. He looks down and sees Hanbin's head tucked into the crook of his neck and shoulder. Hanbin's warm weight over him is comfortable, and Jiwon hadn't had such a good sleep in quite some time.

 

"Hanbin." He whispers, disentangling himself for the hug and shakes the other, who blinks at him slowly.

  
  
"Will he get to walk off free if I don't do it?"

  
  
Hanbin wakes up in an instant, and Jiwon can read on his face the guilt, how he wished he could protect him, to tranquilize and promise him, but that would be a lie.

 

"It's a very big possibility," he said.

  
  
Jiwon nodded once, then twice. "Okay," he said quietly. "I'll do it."

  
  
Hanbin smiled at him, both relieved and nervous. He slowly drags Jiwon to his chest, who for once, wants nothing more than to get away from them embrace. "Thank you."

  
  
Jiwon doesn't look him in the eye when he whispers, "It's for the both of us."

 

.  
  
_Hanbin couldn't help but notice that Jiwon was antsy. The faster the trial date seem to come, the worst he was getting. Nothing manage to grab his attention for long, the nightmares increased, Hanbin spent half of his night awake, looking over Jiwon's sleeping face and the other half, comforting him with hugs and whispered reassurances._  
  
.

 

Donghyuk sat between Jiwon and Hanbin in the living room, watching a movie that he was not playing any attention to. He was rather uncomfortable being between those two. Donghyuk was always caught in the middle of their messes, why?

 

"Hanbin," Jiwon said suddenly, voice detached of any emotion. "What am I supposed to say?" he asked with a frown.

  
  
Hanbin did not answer the question, he probably didn't know how, but Donghyuk could see that Jiwon was not happy with the lack of response. His face tightens with displeasure, he is angry.

  
  
"For that man to go to jail, I have to _testify_?"

 

He raises his voice and Donghyuk placates him with an answer. "There is a greater chance, yes."

 

"Sorry, Donghyuk, you keep getting thrown in the middle of this. It's not fair." Donghyuk doesn't look at him, he needs to leave right away. He messes Jiwon hair, doing it carefully so the other could see what he was going to do and leaves, with a nod to Hanbin. He can still hear Jiwon before he closes his room door.

 

"What am I supposed to say? I can't tell them _everything_ ," Jiwon whispered, eyes wide and pleading.

  
  
_Damn_. Hanbin had been afraid that this would happen, that Jiwon would go into a panic as he realized he was going to have to tell the entire courtroom.

  
  
"No need to go into too much detail. Be quick about it." How could Hanbin feel so stupid and useless? He motion Jiwon over and made his boyfriend sit on his lap, legs on either side.

  
  
"Jiwon…" Hanbin put a comforting arm on his back. How glad he was that Jiwon was getting better, he didn't flinch away from contact too much anymore. "Jiwon, it's going to be hard. You knew that, right?"

  
  
"I thought it was supposed to get easier," Jiwon breathed shakily, it seemed he was about to cry; and Hanbin soothing facade began to crumble away.

  
  
Hanbin slowly shook his head and brought his other arm to join the first around Jiwon, pulling him closer into a hug. "You won't be alone, I promise."

  
  
Jiwon sat slumped taking comfort in the warmth, he nodded. "Not alone, right?"

  
  
Hanbin hugs tighten, "Never."

  
  
.  
  
  
_On the morning of the day of the trial, Jiwon was sitting in his seat, hunched over a cup of coffee. He looked small, half of the man Hanbin knew he was. It was painful to watch what this was doing to his lover._

 

.

  
"It's today," Jiwon said, his voice cracking. His fingers drummed rhythmically on the table, sorrow and fright evident on his face.

  
  
"It'll be fine," Hanbin assured him.

  
  
"Fine?" Jiwon murmured. " _Fine_ , Hanbin? _Fine_ was the dinner you made yesterday, this is not fine, not at all."

  
  
"Jiwon." Hanbin holds him gently and scratches the hair at the back of his neck when he chokes and can't continue. Hanbin lets him cry. He doesn't cry prettily, but Hanbin doesn't complain, he never does and most likely never will. He tells Hanbin everything. And Hanbin lets him talk, saying nothing, only holding close.

  
  
Abruptly, Jiwon disentangles himself from the embrace, cleans his eyes and runny nose on the back of his hand. "Let's go."

  
  
_They could do this._

  
  
"I can do this," Jiwon murmured to himself, casting his gaze around the street warily. He was walking a bit too fast to be natural, his hand clenching Hanbin's one in a painful grip. He was busy freaking out over Jiwon trying to stutter through his testimony, wording what had happened to him, what atrocious things he had been through.

  
  
"I can do this," Jiwon said again.

  
  
They had no other choice open. That man was going down, and that would be well worth it to Jiwon in exchange for a couple hours of discomfort.

  
  
_Right?_

  
  
"I can do this."

  
  
_Maybe._

  
  
"I can do this."

  
  
_Hanbin hoped. He wished._

  
  
"I can't do this." Jiwon had frozen, his feet glued to the sidewalk. His mouth opened and closed a few times, and he looked urgently to Hanbin as if looking for some kind of answer.

  
  
Hanbin raised his shoulders in a helpless shrug; what could he do at this point? Jiwon took one, two steps backward.

  
  
Then he turned and fled.

  
  
Jinhwan found Hanbin standing pointlessly in the middle of the sidewalk.

  
  
"Jiwon?" Hanbin shook his head.

  
  
.

 

_Jiwon could not do it, and Hanbin was not the one who would make him feel miserable about it. He was going to be the one that brought a smile to those, so gorgeous, haunted eyes. He was going to be the one there for him, whenever he was needed._

 

Hanbin closed the door heavily behind him, slowly hung up his jacket and with a heavy sigh went looking for Jiwon. He found him sitting on the stairs, chewing at his, by now, bloody lip. His tie was discarded near his shoes, the same with the jacket. Jiwon looked wracked, lacking a better word.

  
  
Hanbin could see his lower lip trembling and with a shaking voice, he asked what was slowly eating him away. "Did it… turn out okay?"

  
  
Hanbin felt bile traveling to his mouth, the acrid taste burning on his tongue. "He can't hurt you."

  
  
Jiwon let out a breath, closing his eyes in relief. "Was it okay? Really?"

  
  
His relief seemed to slowly fade away when he saw Hanbin's grimace. "What's wrong?"

  
  
"He got four years," Hanbin whispered, almost afraid of opening his mouth.

  
  
"… Four?"

  
  
"Four," Hanbin repeated. No one spoke. Finally, Jiwon wandered off back down the hallway to the kitchen, looking dazed. Hanbin sagged against the wall and let him go.

 

.

 

_He hitched to touch Jiwon, to feel his warm breath on his face, the softness of his skin under his fingers. To pacify the dark and dangers ideas on his head, to make him feel loved and cherished. So much, Hanbin wanted that, more than anything. He would never know how Jiwon was able to go on with his life like nothing had happened. So lifeless and stoic, depressingly quiet, until it finally hit him._

  
  
Hanbin jumped when the front door slammed open and collided with the wall and Jiwon stormed in, the look on his face hard to describe. Fragile? Scared and lonely? Hanbin had seen that look before, more than once. It was the look Jiwon seemed to adopt when the world seemed to be falling apart around him.

  
  
"I..." Jiwon's voice was shaky, breaking in front of him, pleading him to fix everything. Jiwon slumped against the wall, sliding to the floor, shoulders shaking, broken sobs leaving his mouth and Hanbin thought that this might be the first time he'd actually seen Jiwon really break down.

  
  
A second later Hanbin was kneeling in front of his boyfriend, gently wrapping him in a hug, pulling him close.

  
  
"It's going to be alright," he promised, even though he had absolutely no idea how. He rubbed Jiwon's back, trying to soothe him, but if anything, Jiwon just cried harder huge gasping sobs. In response, Hanbin tightening his arms a little more, trying his best to keep his tears at bay.

  
  
Jiwon's hands were fisted tightly into the front of his shirt, and Hanbin couldn't recall when, exactly, Jiwon had latched onto him, he could just watch as Jiwon's sobs slowly changed into silence. He didn't budge from his position on the floor, and neither did Hanbin.

  
  
"It's going to be okay, Jiwon," Hanbin offered softly, eventually realizing the other was not in any fit state to start any kind of conversation. Jiwon sniffed, hands wrapping tighter on his shirt. He shook his head quickly, in denial.

  
  
"Yes, it will," Hanbin gently protested. "Just you see. It's all going to be fine."

  
  
Silence. Slowly, Jiwon drew his face away from Hanbin's chest and glared up at him, eyes rimmed with red and lips trembling.

  
  
"Says who?" Jiwon demanded in a rough whisper, even with everything that he as been through, his gaze held some sort of faith on it.

  
  
"Says me," Hanbin said simply. "The world isn't over, Jiwon, we just have to fix it up a little."

  
  
"How?" Jiwon's voice was desperate. "Can you imagine walking down the street and see him?" Jiwon buried his face in his chest again.

  
  
"We will deal with it when the time comes," Hanbin soothed, voice showing more confidence than he had. "For now you are safe from him, okay? You're safe. That's what matters most." Finally, Hanbin relinquished his hold and set his hands on Jiwon's shoulders, shaking him slightly. Trying to make him see reason. Jiwon blinked at him and stared. He nodded once, next second he was nodding with more conviction.

  
  
"Okay," he simply said. "Okay." Jiwon slowly stretched his hand and Hanbin took hold of it, a small smile playing on his lips.

  
.

  
_They were going together in the direction of the sweet ice cream bought in the middle of hot August, fighting against the dark monster in the night, enjoying the refreshing cone of ice as the taste hits your tongue, and sticky slides onto your hands, melting away in the warm and bright yellow sun._

 

Hanbin stretches out a careful hand. "Come to bed."

 

Jiwon takes it, lets Hanbin draw him onto the crumpled sheets, lets him pull the covers over their entwined legs. The bed is ridiculously wide, but Jiwon curls himself closer to Hanbin, cheek squished against his lover's chest. His eyes are glittering bright and Hanbin can see he is trying not to cry.

 

"I don't mind." He whispers softly, knowing that Jiwon knows what he is talking about, he could cry to his heart contempt. Jiwon grabs his hand, fingers warm, and safe, and achingly familiar.

 

Jiwon meets his gaze, smiles back just a little. "Yeah," he says, "I know."

 

He doesn't say anything more. He doesn't need to.

 

_The end_

 


End file.
